It’s been a busy ten days for me. Traveled about a thousand miles, among a bunch of other things. Been pretty fun, all told. And I learned some things.
The first thing I learned was outcome independence. My ‘social’ hobby is Cardfight Vanguard. It’s a cardgame that’s half luck half skill. Very enjoyable, and it helps that I’m good at it. But here’s the problem, I stuck a portion of my self-worth on victory.
What are the problems with this? For a leader, if he puts his worth as a leader on personal success, then when he inevitably fails, he could (will) lose frame and control. The failures of himself and his underlings will negatively affect him, in spirit as well as in reputation. Or a player, if a player hits a dry spell, and he has set his self-worth on the outcome of getting pussy, then he will actually hurt himself by losing frame and control. Chicks will smell it on him.
One of the starts for my outcome independence was with women. Lets not kid ourselves. I am not out there making alpha widows left and right. But I am getting numbers, dates and other such things. I set up a date on friday, but the girl revealed she had a girlfriend. I replied ‘terrible’ then went to a piano bar, where I enjoyed myself, and had another girl’s number by the end of the night. I felt disappointed for five seconds, but I realized it wasn’t worth my time. I was going out for my own fun, not hers.
Meditating on this, and articles on the likes of Return of Kings or Heartiste, I realized I had been staking my self-worth on an important on-coming tournament that I was preparing for. I realized that the outcome of the tournament could remove the alphaness I had been building up. I am a leader in the community (of betas through gammas) but I can’t show a weakness. When I lose (and lose I did), I would lose their respect if I took it poorly.
I was reminded of an event during the summer. I had been going through hell. I had picked up a couple jobs, and was taking care of the family at the same time. My father was pressuring me about things (it turns out he had and was suffering strokes, plural, at the time) and I was down and out. My mother was in England, but I was managing the family alone, wake up, school, dinner etc. My tank was empty. So I went to the tournament to get away from the family. This tournament was not the one I had been going to recently. In a later article on situational alphaness I’ll describe the two places, but not now. It turns out my friends had decided to mock me by wearing gloves on their right hands while they fought. A beta display of mine, to be sure. They also called themselves by my title, ‘Mercenary King’. Another beta display, but I took it seriously. Too seriously.
I snapped. I snapped not because they did it, but because I lost. The outcome was terrible, I thought that I could beat them (I rank highly enough) and keep my title. I couldn’t control myself, the frame was broken and fully trashed. What happened afterward was not alpha.
I knew myself. I know I am not high alpha. With that history lesson in mind, I spent mental power to break myself of the delusion I could defeat people provably my betters. Instead, I found something I could do. I could change the definition of a ‘victory’. I spent money to acquire a great deal of cards to keep myself updated. I lent or sold those cards out to those who needed it. 2 of those people got into the top 8. I lost through my own failure. Yes, I was very disappointed, but I didn’t lose frame.
I became jocular, encouraging. I ate lunch. I acted like nothing was wrong. It turned out that the deck I was playing, while very powerful, was off the beaten path. Many of the people who did not know me talked to me. I found myself respected. This is something new for me. I have to go very far to gain respect. It only took me a couple fights for everyone to talk about my deck and my skill. I curbstomped one of the top four players in a 2/3 match. (that is, I beat him 2-0).
Would I have been respected if I lost frame because of my losses? No. Did I win from distributing my wealth and being the best opponent I could be? Yes.
There is a reward for keeping a level head no matter what happens. People around you respect you for your genuine value. Because I was a leader, because I was a skilled player despite my losses, because I kept frame and control, I was respected. That’s a kingly trait indeed. when I leave this culture for one I’m not respected in, I need to bring this trait with me, or I will not act as an alpha male should.
The goal of the Millennial King is to be Alpha, but what’s more, to be a king.