Reason for improvement

The greatest reason for my own goals for improvement have been an intense hatred for what I am now, verses what I can be.

It’s leg day today. I still can’t get the motion down for squats. But hey, it’ll come eventually. I’m going to bike around gear 15 or whatever standard the terrible exercise bikes at the rec center. It’s not easy, but not so hard I’m wasting energy. This is cardio. I’ll do some laps then use the machines. Extensions get the better of me, but I’ll beat them yet. This week, I’ll have two leg days. Tomorrow, I ‘reset’ my exercise rotation with a day of swimming/water games.

Needless to say, I’m not happy where I am. I’m graduating in may, and that’s not as fun as people think. I need to find a job and begin the put off adult hood that was promised to me when I turned 18, and trained into me when I was five. I’m around 290lbs. Not as fat as you think, thanks in part to poor diet but intensive exercise. My body is very dense, to the surprise of my pediatrician, and, probably, the doctor I’ll see in my dotage. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I likely got it from my father’s side of the family. Besides my first cousins, I am very small compared to my father’s extended family. He himself is below the median. I don’t know what this means.

I know that I’m often intellectually dishonest with myself, and have to keep myself in check unless I start to fall into delusions that mean nothing. This blog itself may be an extension of those delusions, especially when it comes to the Bronies. I can’t flirt worth a damn and I feel nothing for even people I should care about. I cannot socialize well.

But that’s the depressive in me talking. I might be thick and tend to fat, but that means I have the potential to be stronger than most. I may fall into delusions, but my power of creativity is extremely high. I may be socially inept but in the last two years I’ve had more meaningful relationships than I’ve had in the previous 24 combined.

Things aren’t easy, being an introvert. I’ve spent a lot of time quieting the voices. Not schizophrenia, of course, but the small, quiet and evil voice that tells me I’m simply not good enough. That prevents me finishing a set because “I’ve done so much today.” I hate with a fury that part of me. So I push myself beyond it.

Adventure Time is a show set a thousand years in the future in a magical kingdom. It’s fairly red pill. Finn the human is shown to be unable to handle his own love, despite having princesses (of course) fall for him. Indeed, it’s implied he’s turned on by female violence, and the revelation of that caused his break up with flame princess. But watch this.

From the first or second season, Finn has been damn afraid of the ocean. his fear manifests as the ‘fear feaster’ (voiced by the most excellent Mark Hamill). He then taunts him. This is only a little more exaggerated than the voice that pops into the head of depressive introverts. There is an internal weakness that afflicts the introvert. I understand reality. I want to be the next Robert Heinlein or Isaac Asimov, and I likely will never be.

BUT I SHOULD TRY ANYWAY.

I will never be as ripped as the Chaos and Pain guy.

BUT I SHOULD TRY ANYWAY.

The tale of western civilization is that very thing. Somebody or something has an idea that someone inevitably tells them it can’t be done.

The reaction: Fuck you, I’ll do it anyway!

In that way, men like me are the true inheritors of western civilization. I can never make the same contributions that others have done. Why should I? They’re dead. I will advance it. I will advance myself.

I could hate myself and do nothing.

But King’s don’t do that. I could get fat and complain about women (hot) not being interested in me. I could lapse into intellectually lazy white knighting and emptiness. I could be one of those ‘nice’ beta guys who get’s a single mother in my thirties. I could be a nobody. I statistic.

Or I could use that hatred as a fuel. Self-flagellation, but for the greater good. If I can’t want it, can’t I demand it? Gain the self-control. Gain the self-discipline. Become the King who rules by the right I earned it by my own, God-given power. Self-loathing should never be the end result of knowing you’re beta.

It’s simply the first tasks you have to complete achieve alpha hood.

For myself. I have to get in shape and hone my writing skills. I’ll be posting my first few pages of my novella soon (I’m 60% done ish, 11k words). I’ll also be going to go exercise soon, and I won’t give in.

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