I struggle with loneliness. I spent the last night drunk off of ale and interacting with my roommate. But here’s the thing, he wasn’t becoming drunk to have fun, or, like me, to shut off the brain. He was doing it to forget the divorce and other shit in his life. That’s fine, I can appreciate that.
But damned if I didn’t resist beating him for his drunken chicanery. I do not appreciate being touched, especially sexually, without ‘consent’. It’s very frustrating. I can’t appreciate random displays of affection done to me, and when I do it to others, they find it highly disturbing. At the same time, his drunken pranks were some of the first non-family gestures of sexuality I’ve experienced in half a year. Not fun.
It only makes me very lonely. The girl I was trying to see broke up with me (finally). I went through five phone numbers in so many weeks. I’m leaving college in a month and a week and there is no reason for me to start another relationship that could be any kind of meaningful.
I’ve set myself to be lonely. I accept that, due to my nature and other factors, like the school debt I will work off or the struggles I will have to face in the future. I set myself to exercise, but I don’t think that will gain me a girl or much by the way of benefits beyond my health. It forces me to do something about it.
I’m stuck with people in relationships and read the likes of the Redpill reddit, where people spin multiple plates. Where the heck did they find women for decent long term relationships? Even with all my self-introspection, I really can’t appreciate what few relationships I had drew them to me, especially the one I had last year, which actually lasted pretty differently?
Am I just in some dark triad mind frame when I gain dates and numbers?
It’s useless to think about it. Don’t think about the playas having sex with the lied to sluts of the world. I don’t enjoy the meaningless sex anyway. Fuckin empty is what it is. I’ll talk about them some day.
The ideas behind all of this is that I demand that some part of me be filled with a relationship. It’s beta. I’m beta. I cannot maintain a frame of I don’t need a girlfriend or whatever BECAUSE A PART OF ME GREATLY DESIRES THAT VERY THING! Would that I could be like Paul who can ignore that part of himself (I run with the theory that he was separated when he became a Christian).
Betas and myself are self-defeating. Because we want something others have, we cannot change things in our favor in ways that are popular. In ways that the women of America demand it. I read stories of beautiful and not-bitchy other-national women. I get the appeal. BUT I CAN’T HAVE IT. It drives me crazy some times.
Maybe the reason I drink or take other mind-altering substances is because I can’t deal with being alone. All men are alone. They can pick up companions along the way, but all men are, by nature alone. Some deal with it better than others. I do not. I will have to work on it.
I want to note, before I end this post, that it is not beta to be lonely. It is beta to make it your driving force in life. I know this, and my next actions will be to work on this. I cannot really compete with American women or the playa, but damn, I won’t suffer for their unbridled animal instincts. I suffer for my own introspection, and like Queen Gertrude of Hamlet, I drink the poison myself. I don’t have to.